Author Archives: sillybea

I had a wonderful/sad dream last night: my ex-husband showed up in a police officers uniform and when I saw him, I went over to him to congratulate him. He smiled and didn’t run away from me. I asked him to listen to me. I don’t remember what I said to him, and then ourContinue reading “Dreams”

They sure do suck.

This was probably the worst year of my life, sans 9/11. Lost a job I love, had a screwed up/insane/deranged parent stay with me and was for the most part broke. What’s the lesson? What was I to learn? To have faith? To be even more resilient? More self sufficient? As I write this blogContinue reading “Bye Bye 2022”

Grateful that I can pay for my dentist and eye doctor appointments. Bitching bc I don’t have health insurance. Wtf am I doing without health insurance?? Dear Lord, universe, whoever is listening- please help me land a gig. A good gig. One that will provide for me. 🙏🏻

As I sit on my porch, winding down from a catering gig, I hear the sound of the railroad train, honking it’s mighty horn. It is loud, brash, and repetitive. It’s not a commuter train. It’s a cargo train. Loaded with goods and supplies for the state/county/country. I then think of my friend who livesContinue reading “Trains”

Wow. Never thought I’d be “here.” My father told me he knew he’d be dead by 75. As life would have it, he died at 82. I’m in my mid 50’s, wondering what’s next. Thoughts come and go. I sometimes wonder why I keep this blog going. Is it to keep myself alive? To haveContinue reading “2023”

When I was about 11 years old, five or take, I used to write MMS: my mother sucks. I knew, at a very early age, that my mother was not a mother. I knew she wasn’t a nurturer. I knew she wasn’t present. I knew. I need to hug the 11 year old in meContinue reading “MMS”

Wanna know the worst part of getting sick I.e. getting Covid or the flu or even a cold? I can handle being sick btw, but when sick, we are in a vulnerable state and need soothing. The worst part is that I want to call my mother and for her to tell me everything isContinue reading “Being Sick”

Father – grifter & con artist Mother – paranoid personality disorder AND Narcissist I’m fucked

Whenever I see a book of face post about someone’s mom who has passed away, and it’s loaded with gooey sentiments, all I think is – I wish I had a mom like that.